Once upon a time....

endings are never secret....

Sat, 27 Dec 2003 06:04:04 GMT

Walking in the winter garden...everything is overgrown and winter-brown. I look for seeds of tomorro...of spring but todays words are screaming "lies, lies, lies!" Is this garden truly dead? Has it been destroyed by love's dream and love's loss? By jealous hearts and hard words?? Maybe it will look different in the spring....maybe it will be gone when I return. I am powerless, as always. All I know is love
and pain
and love
and loss
and still.....lovelovelove

turning the key one last time.

Sat, 15 Nov 2003 10:44:59 GMT

soon this journal will be nothing but a memory.
finalized.
deleted.
sometimes i think i might just want to leave it here.
proof that a secret garden once existed.
but more than that i would prefer to send it off into the ether.
so that it will not sit here dead.
for what is sadder than a secret garden that is lost?
one that has died and remains there wilting, drying up, unwatered.
untended.
i see the weeds taking over and i have not the strenght, desire, or energy to pull them.
so i shall take my key. lock it up. and wait for some other generation to find when i am gone.
i love you as always. ever.
i do.
and that shall be the last seed scattered here.
two-to-the-omega.

Sun, 24 Aug 2003 17:51:02 GMT

thank you for a beautiful day... even when i am sad for no reason but this sometimes weary life... you seem to be able to help me make things better. just by cuddles. just by words. just by the fact that you'll stay and wait and love me anyway.
and it is true that...
If I were the sun, I would write little notes to you on all the leaves with golden ink and leave them everywhere for you to find.
and since i am not the sun it will have to suffice for me to write little notes to you with beautiful inks from glass pens and leave those everywhere for you to find.
iloveyou i love you iloveyou.

sleepy thoughts

Thu, 21 Aug 2003 09:04:27 GMT

Loving you. Feeling happy for you, hoping happy is right and good. Hoping yours is real. Hard for an OT like me to understand, somethings,sometimes. I know that R is good for your heart...I pray you know what's good for your spirit, mind,body. Risk. Always good, no matter. Careful, my idgie...please? Lovelovelove

Fri, 18 Jul 2003 07:06:50 GMT

i love you.
i'm sorry for what you have to feel right now.
i don't know if you realize. that i've felt much of it before.
so much of it.
you're a strong woman. beautiful. phenomenal.
and as you know.
all will be right.
in its end.
i love you i do.
~idgie.

Thu, 19 Jun 2003 07:24:02 GMT

i miss you.
i do.

i just wrote a rather large entry here. and then it promptly got erased by my puter. i was telling you about this frightening journal i found. they are listed as my friend. mostly because they added me after they joined fragmentedminds. i dont know them well at all. and this person(s) really creeped me out tonight. their latest entry seemed to be about pedophilia. their own tendencies. and stalking some 9 year old. and being afraid that if they dont stop. something will happen. and i went to their journal and all their interests are just the numbers 1-150 in a list. and they have 653 friends listed. but most are all communities. and they're really scaring me a bit. always seemed harmless before. but not tonight. and there's nothing i can do.
i dont know why i'm going on like this here. suppose i just want to talk to you. and its after midnight. i saw you this morning but didnt talk to you again. wanted to let you sleep and rest after omt today. hope your body is feeling alright.
i, being the little girl i am, took a big spill today. my knees are scratched. and my body aches. much more than usual from the jar of hitting the floor so hard. but thats this life i suppose.
see you in the morn'.
sweet dreams.
love you.
i do.

Wed, 07 May 2003 16:59:09 GMT

you'll probably never read this.
but if you do.
i hate how things change sometimes.
i miss you.
i do.
and love you.
and that is all.
i was erasing old text messages on my phone today.
and found some where you called me sexy.
and lover.
and it made me sad.
sad to remember someone being so utterly in love with me.
there's a lump in my throat now.
and i laugh at myself.
silly romantic girl.

time-lapse

Wed, 08 Jan 2003 04:48:41 GMT

oh...when is it, her in the Garden? What time? Time is ever lost for me and you now. Time is cosly and there is never enough of it...but how much more time in pain...? *L*!! Well...yes, a lovely surprise, all your posts...and the prophet. I adore you, you know. you do know, I know. Even if you somehow seem to forget. Love you
now
still
always. =2 Omega, epsilon naught
lovelovelove

morn'

Tue, 07 Jan 2003 18:20:02 GMT

good morning my sweet...
i hit mauve's glowing fish this morning when i awoke.... *note to self: not a good idea*... that's rather frightening when you're not expecting it...
have a fabulous day... cant wait to see you tomorrow...
miss you.
*kiss*

Tue, 07 Jan 2003 07:29:52 GMT

hi. i love you.
yeah. thats it really.
thanks for listening to me cry and moan today.
i needed that. need more probably. ugh.
i wish i wish... that i didnt always need reassurance
that i'm important to you.
(hum... that just popped in my head)
its not that i dont know.
but part of me... doubts everything, of everyone, all the time.
and you are... one of the most important things to me...
so maybe that's why that reassurance overcomes all other areas of
my insecurity sometimes.

lyrics that speak to me today:
i'm gonna take a holiday in spain
leave my wings behind me
drive this little girl insane
fly away to somewhere new...
________________________________
love, love, love
what more is there
cause we need the light of love in here
dont beat your head
dry your eyes
let the love in there
there's bad times
but that's ok
just let the love in there...

love. you.

Mon, 06 Jan 2003 08:31:46 GMT

oh i love you. god damn it. and i'll probably let you do my legs just to get the touches! how evil you are.
and i love that you're going to come back here someday... and see all these posts... and i never bugged you once about it! hehe... i know... rather excited about silliness...

an incredibly sappy song by the Corrs (but i love it... and it makes me think of you... and written by mutt lange... shenia twains husband)

go on, go on, leave me breathless...
i cannot lie... from you i cannot hide
i'm losing the will to try...
cant hide it cant fight it...
so go on, go on, leave me breathless
tempt me
tease me
til i cant deny this loving feeling
make me long for your kiss
go on, go on...
come on.

have i told you i love you today? well, i do.

Sat, 04 Jan 2003 06:49:52 GMT

spending the day with you and amber today was wonderous. and being nutured to tears... i havent felt that physically cared for in a long time. yes... being loved makes me cry. thankyou thankyou thankyou.

...But if you fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing floor,
Into the seasonless world

where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears...

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving...
-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

***i have learned of love... am still learning... and i... fly***

a sorta fairytale with you...

Fri, 27 Dec 2002 22:40:20 GMT

i love you... my girlfriend, my lover...
thank you for calling today...
i miss you like that...
yes.

~epsilon naught~

Wed, 11 Dec 2002 08:16:48 GMT

oh my... no expectations.... just hope... was hoping to find you here...
and look.
here you were.
a smile on my face at this late hour of 24 past midnight... so happy to have you here in the garden... nestled with me in the cradle of the goddess...
i love you.
i love you.
i do.

huggies and kisses

Wed, 11 Dec 2002 04:43:39 GMT

Oh, love...grrrllllll
Hellos and I love yous and forget me nots planted in the garden just for you. Gonna try to catch up a lil everywhere, but hurting mightily wristwise. sweet dreams, sweet...
lovelovelove,
Thorne

lovelovelove

Mon, 25 Nov 2002 05:47:48 GMT

Very hurtsore and almost stoned Thorne just taking a short walk in the Garden to admire the sweetness and leave a little stone mosaic which spells out: I love you = 2 Omega. Kisses and sweet dreams...
ps, you'll just have to use your hands tonight...thinking of me, I hope. *smile* Lovelovelove, Your Thorne

sleepyfevers

Fri, 08 Nov 2002 05:27:27 GMT

hey, love-girl-mine!
feeling pretty shitty, tonight. Not emotionally or the like; regardless of the fact that I didn't get my cry...*smile*...pretty physically ill. I'm burnin' up and so is the poppie-man. It's only nine and my eyes are burning so, I can't even embroider any longer. I'm still (silly me) gonna try to get a lil niel in, but I haven't high hopes there, either.
So I'm thinking, la-la (okay, so I pick shit like this up, I admit it...*wry grin*), anyway, la-la-girl...that if you're okay when you call tonight when you get off work, that I'm gopnna call it a night, myself.
But I'm thinking ahead.
Thinking about a gorl I love....
(great typo, eh?! That would be "girl")
hoping she won't feel too sad, or rejected, or unloved or any of the things she sometimes feels over which I have no power;
Hoping that she understands that I'm sick and yucky
and poppie is sick and yucky
and I also really want to try to apply some of the spending pointed time together instead of just "hanging" always.
and I also need to get stuff done in the am before I feel like shit again tomorro afternoon...(cuz that seems to be this illness' cycle)
and anyway what alot of blah-blah-blah just to tell you that I decided to come to our garden
and remind you that I love you
and thank you for our lovely coffee-date
and especially your bright eyes and our sharing
and again that I love you
(and I'm sorry I'm so awkward and half unclear...I'm not usually so inarticulate, you know...must be the fever)
I feel like a bull snorting hot breath across my lips...a minotaur, maybe.
I don't like it.
But know I love you
and need you
and want you
and think
and dream of you....
and even when I don't sit and write poetry all the time
nonetheless it sings in my soul for you
and is as true today
and yet tomorro
as when it was written.
Going to bed now.
Hoping finding a bit here makes you smile.
Lovelovelove
Thorne

Thu, 07 Nov 2002 09:40:50 GMT

where oh where has my little girl gone
oh where oh where could she be...

miss you 'round here... needing you... needing your arms to hold me... needing quiet... needing... i''m sorry that i need. i wish i didnt.

love you... yes yess i do.

my muse

Thu, 17 Oct 2002 05:03:13 GMT

each light
extinguished flashes behind
my eyes screaming and stabbing
piercing
feathers fluff
beaks grind
happy sounds be praised
else I'd die of the shards of white kisses
in my brain.

Hildy calls for you
her erica hellos
and soft coos and bobs I
long to twine my neck
long and supple
soft and downey
around yours and gurgle our own
promise.

The hot rubber sloshes
late against your softness
will pull you into me
where I need
you
where you need
me
I think
I feel
I hope;
Kali knows.

The screen light burns as fingers
stumble to speak
what I need to scream
my love
you
my heart
my spirit
my forever
my girrrl-woman-girl.

My spirit wants no distance
no separation
no apathy
no anger at him
nor does my heart
but tonight as he sleeps upside down
his head at the foot of our bed
I'll sigh and close my eyes
stay heads
up and
pretend.

Tonight I
am only
alone
alone as you sleep in your bed
dreaming of me
as
I hold you
deeper than the heat
from this rubber bottle can ever go
all the way in me
in my belly where I swallow you
nothing
between us
not
me or you
not him
not death or life or time or
space
not skin or even
breath.

I
am
yours.
~Thorne 10-16-02

I love you, my heart.

deliriousdesire...

Thu, 10 Oct 2002 09:35:19 GMT

needing you... tonight seeing you again after being away just a few days... i wanted to reach for you every second... didnt want to let you go... and i think it was part being away... and part the "recent events!" knowing that it's "ok"... that you're ok... is just incredible... and magnetic... how i love you... and wantwantwant you...

missing you, still....

Tue, 08 Oct 2002 08:20:06 GMT

Sweet childe, your words tonight lighted within me a fire...I thought my libido passed this cycle, but you!! Wanting your Thorne, missing your Thorne....I love you, I miss you, I want you deeply. Mmmm. Damn. kisses all over your sweet body. Lovelovelove

lovelovelove

Mon, 07 Oct 2002 19:52:49 GMT

Front and center screen: Rod Serling
The setting: A wooden deck in a yard somewhere in California:
Rod:
"Imagine if you will a married couple. A rather large, long haired man and his red haired wife, enjoying an evening working together in the yard. A happy scene and one would think normal, until one listened to the conversation, and overheard them speak of a love, of loves, in fact, that can only be found, here...in the twilight zone."

(Pan to Terry, kneeling on the deck, hammering)

Terry: "You know that Chris was asking about Willow....he said there was something special about her, and there is....

Thorne: "I know. She's just precious, I love her so much."

Terry: "Well, you know that Chris, I wouldn't want to say anything bad-"

Thorne: "I know, he's a nice enough guy-"

Terry: "But I wouldn't want someone like that, a 'swinging dick', to get with someone I care about so much, like Willow"

Thorne: "I know, he's a nice enough guy, but he's a dog. Don't worry, I don't think Willow would fall for him"

Terry: When he asked about her I didn't want to say anything I shouldn't, but I know he likes her..."

Thorne: "Don't worry honey, I don't think our Willow is really interested in boys right now. She's been hurt too badly, and she really just needs girl-love."

Terry: "Oh! Is she... (hand waves side to side)

Thorne: "Well, kinda. I don't think she's ever really had a girl-lover, you know, but she said she'd rather have a girlfriend right now. In fact, I think I pretty much am kinda friend, mom and girlfriend all rolled into one for her.

Terry: That's good. Because she is so special, and she means so much to me. I'm so happy she is in our life.

(camera pans to take in the couple standing, as Terry turns to Thorne and opens his arms)

Terry: "And I want you to know if anything ever did happen between you two, I wouldn't mind. Because some things are just good for people."

(closeup of Thorne's adoration as she steps within his arms to embrace Terry)

Thorne: "Oh, Poppie, I love you so much. You are just the best man on earth"

(camera pans to a wideshot as they continue to work on the deck, each smiling with love shining in their eyes)

Enter Rod:

"Yes, even in this world of misunderstanding, of pain and lies, sometimes, things go right in.....the twilight zone"

the end

"we must therefore keep watch my friend, keep watch"

Sun, 06 Oct 2002 05:38:01 GMT

i shall miss you. i already do. on my list of things to take (yes, i make lists when i have to pack... i'm always forgetting things)... it says "pictures..." of course i'm packing one of you and i... i'm hope-fully romantic that way! ha!
let not stress and the weights of life be your keepers these next few days... i worry that i cannot help with some of the weight... even if its just till wednesday...
i lovelovelove you... forget me not (i know you never would... i just like the way it sounds... *wink* ;-)

"make me long for your kiss..."

Sat, 05 Oct 2002 18:16:14 GMT

as much as i'm looking forward to my little trip these coming days... its killing me to know i'll be away from you... the cycle of my desires is coming full circle once again... and i yearn for you... it's awful... to have you so close so much... and not have you! do you know what you do to me? do you have any idea... haha! watch out woman... you're mine when i get back...

_______________________
go on, go on...
leave me breathless...
-the coors

garden posting and turns...

Fri, 04 Oct 2002 17:50:47 GMT

I think I'm going to rebel against the idea of turns. *s* I've even figured out how to do it. I'm just going to post in here every time I want to post at all! Just make it part of my posting day...which means, no doubt, that I'll be telling you all my loving thoughts as well as my fears and various thoughts floating by......
For instance.
I'm in so much fear that your having these huge resentments surrounding my inability to help you with your room. It doesn't seem to matter that my intentions were good (you know, they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions), and it doesn't seem to matter that my situation sometimes just sorta sux....
what I don't really know is if I'm reading all this into your general unhappiness with your worsening descent from the mania, or if you're really blaming me. It's difficult to ask you, too.
So. I'm asking. Here, where maybe you can say.
In the meantime, let me tell you what a joy and help and fun and comfort you have been/are, to me! All the time, but especially even now when things are so nuts with all Fawn's wedding stuff. Thank you. I love you. Your heart, my heart; lovelovelove

Once upon a time....

endings are never secret....

turning the key one last time.

sleepy thoughts

time-lapse

morn'

go on, go on, leave me breathless...i cannot lie... from you i cannot hidei'm losing the will to try...cant hide it cant fight it...so go on, go on, leave me breathlesstempt metease metil i cant deny this loving feelingmake me long for your kissgo on, go on...come on.

have i told you i love you today? well, i do.

where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears...

To know the pain of too much tenderness.To be wounded by your own understanding of love;And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

a sorta fairytale with you...

huggies and kisses

lovelovelove

sleepyfevers

my muse

deliriousdesire...

missing you, still....

lovelovelove

"we must therefore keep watch my friend, keep watch"

"make me long for your kiss..."

garden posting and turns...

go on, go on, leave me breathless...
i cannot lie... from you i cannot hide
i'm losing the will to try...
cant hide it cant fight it...
so go on, go on, leave me breathless
tempt me
tease me
til i cant deny this loving feeling
make me long for your kiss
go on, go on...
come on.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.